✴.·´¯`·.·★  🎀𝓦𝓮 𝓜𝓪𝓽𝓽𝓮𝓻🎀  ★·.·`¯´·.✴​

I've made it no secret that I have a long history with substance abuse and I sure as hell abuse the hell out of substances. With an addictive personality, when I grab hold to something I enjoy and how it makes me feel it gets to be a struggle for me to let it go. I suppose my first addiction was with food, starting at a very young age. Raised in a mixed culture household, Puerto Rican and African American, I enjoyed a spread filled with meals like aroz con dules, fried chicken, collard greens and definitely dessert, preferably chocolate cake. My mother loved to cook, put love in her cooking and I loved, loved loved to eat. It provided comfort and gathered the family around. As I got older and experiences were had other forms of comfort entered my life. Family was no longer gathering around the table as one by one a family member would pass away. Biggest loss for me was my father while entering my freshman year in college. Eighteen years old, already involved in the theatre department and the common habit to do was to go to the local bar. Alcohol consoled me but also led me to other sources of comfort such as coaine and e-pills. For many years throughout my twenties, I engaged in many party habits and yes, play too. Looking back, the one thing I always knew what I wanted was to feel good and have a good time. If no one was around that didn't stop what I wanted to do. Many times I'd go to the bar by myself or meet with a "connect" to get my party favors and proceed to have a good time... till times weren't always good.  

I entered my first treatment rehab in my early thirties with the motivation to go in, take in what I needed to learn so that I wouldn't have to go through it again. Good start but not a successful follow through perhaps some would say. To this day, I can count 2-3 rehabs, 1 long term residential treatment (6 months) and 3 outpatients. I can honestly tell you that I don't regret my experiences before, during and after treatments because they were all experiences that I chose to have, learned what I needed to learn and what I didn't know I had to learn such as grieving. I also learned from listening to other people's stories, their experiences, do's and don'ts. No matter of their age, how they were raised or even how they lived their lives...I was paying attention, empathizing or trying to relate as if the shoe was on the other foot. Everyone has a story and needs to be heard as individuals and not as a group that we are all alike. I count my blessings that experiences had by others were not had by me. But I also don't ignore them. If a hand can be reached out to someone less fortunate then yourself, why couldn't that hand be that of your own. Not a hand of sympathy and especially not a hand to push another down. I'm thankful for those that I crossed paths with to listen, comfort and provide suggestions for me to ponder on. No advice or attempts to influence my decision but suggestions/alternatives/options for me to know about to start seeing even the tinest glimpse of hope.

A few months ago, my neighbor came banging on my door and yelling my name out. He knew my story and that I engaged in substances and also that I try to never judge another. Apparently, he had a friend over that injested substances that was laced with fentanyl. My neighbor quickly asked me if I had narcan and I surprisingly remembered that I did. I had gotten 2 pouches from an outpatient counselor a few years back. She told me that despite I didn't do opiates that its still good to have cause you never know. Well she was right and in the heat of the moment I knew exactly where I could find them and give them to my neighbor to save his friend. Thankfully, his friend was able to be revived. Days passed, ran into my neighbor and he taught me to be aware that narcan has an expiration which I didn't know. He also reminded me that fentanyl is being put in many other drugs as well, such as weed and crystal meth. I had been meaning to get fentanyl test strips but never got around to doing it. Not sure exactly why but it could be cost related or the thought of going out to a Rite Aide or any pharmaceutical store to purchase and not wanting to deal with any gawking eyes or judgements. So I seeked another option, went online and found MATTERS.

That counselor was a helping hand to me, for me to be a helping hand for my neighbor and he was a helping hand to me. It all goes full circle and can continue to be for all, no matter if you use substances or not. Because we all matter...Happy Holidays!